At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
