I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
