Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
