How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
