I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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