Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
