...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
