As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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