How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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