when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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