We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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