you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
