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Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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