trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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