Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
