and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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