im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
