my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
