we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I think I died a long time ago.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
