That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Pants are for mortals
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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