You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
