I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
