i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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