Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
