please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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