The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
