I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This baby is an asshole
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
