1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
