her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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