dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
