my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
