Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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