shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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