So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
