You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
