she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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