I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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