I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
