so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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