im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
