If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize