I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
