the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
