checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
