The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
