True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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