I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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