So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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