I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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