my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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