You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
