life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
