he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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