we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
