I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my being single is dangerous.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
