I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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