Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
