I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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