there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
